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a shell of who i used to be

the empty shell is what you see.

things taken never returned

extinguished the life that burned.

emptied and hollow

build a dam against emotion overflow.

i will keep what i have.

memories.

and walk.



unless she saves me.

COMMENTS

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Angelus
01:52 Dec 13 2008

..or, in my case, 'Hollow' within a mask.

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POST COMMENT

a moment of silence for a once great nation,

i am not very optimistic either.

i look around me at what i see going down.

poverty becoming the new majority as prices go up.

gas prices, groceries, utilities....

i consider those of us to broke to have credit cards lucky,

we have less to lose.

i talk to my children about their future and wonder what future they will face.

in all likelyhood going off to fight a war that started before they even started school.

what has become of us?

our nation,

i fear she will someday lie in ruins.

(originally posted by me: Monday, June 23, 2008)



And one more thing, Love the World



yesterday i woke from a dream i had received an email message. it said "and one more thing, love the world. the message was from a person who i have never spoken to but i often see in forums and blogs.

i don't know why this person would send me any sort of message, let alone that one but i thought about it all day and in the evening i took hold of a pen and starting with the words in the email allowed the words to flow. not poetry but a collection of random thoughts. i find the pen and paper an honest medium, thought and language flow freely through it and some things which would be capitalized are not.

some punctuations are left out because that is how it was written from the clutter of my mind.



c



A message in a dream

What does it mean?

I spent so many years closed off.

I fear the stress would be to much for me

destiny?

Maybe it means more Tolerance?

Have I lied to myself?

feeling that by not saying anything negative I was being right somehow?

I have silenced myself.

when I was young I only showed the happy face

In doing so I sealed myself off from everyone

Now that i am grown I continue to keep the world an arms length away.

Hiding always hiding.

Why should I hide depression, anger and fear?

I am afraid

afraid of hurting those close to me

afraid those who like and respect me will turn their backs

afraid of ridicule

I feel safe hidden here.

No one seeing my inner darkness fear, grief

I wish i could speak freely

eloquently

I wish i could love those beyond my reach

Quiet the inner storm

at last find peace

release suspicion

open up myself for all to see

and one more thing...

Thinking what my life could have been

without the ones who held me down.

Didn't want me to escape

Held my head under the water

Hoping I would drown.

All my dreams were just so stupid

meaningless

I was so selfish.

To want something for myself

Put my dreams up on a shelf

Ignore them they get dusty.

What a fool to live my life

Someone elses rules

What is really true?

Love and fantasy

They both surround me

Safely in the arms

of the one born waiting for me

I've nothing more to fear

Should my life disappear

Someone will remember I was here

Remember all my dreams

all my hopes

Protect my legacy

Be born again

Search and he'll find me

Another go around

No one to hold me down

Shove my face deep underground

Hoping that I'll finally drown

Giving up all hope

No real way to cope

No one really cares

But the light I am seeking

The caress of a strangely familiar hand

Helping me to stand



Not really listening to music

but hearing "Looking Through the Glass" over and over as I wrote.

Aching black emptiness

A bottomless pit of despair

I feel sick.

My outside tries to smile

as my inside caves in.

Trying to hide what has no reason.

He feels it,

He knows I'm dying inside.

But doesn't know why.

Desperation

frustration

Homesickness

Listless

All excuses, not reasons.

The feeling is just what it is

It came from nowhere.

At this moment I could die

and just not care.

I still love.

Hope has just left me for the moment.

Sinking, blackness

sorrow feeling all around

consuming me and all I am

losing all control

tingling with pain

darkness in a fevered brain

the sensation not alive

fills my whole being.

Loneliness black midnight

Sorrows tears

Lovers arms empty

Holding me.

I feel his strength and hope as mine begins to ebb.

To die now would bring releif

Joy compared to nothing.

It is my life to be the eater of misery to ease the anguish of another.

I will be forever lonely.

death,greif,release,fear,agony,pain,suffering

I ache

Just being



Thats what I am.



Witch,blood of the gods flows in me.



Never before knowing love,



Love now sets me free.



Still loosely bound by tethers of the life before.



Reaching for the oaken door.



A new world awaits



breath abaits



heart stills



Love pulled me back.



Makes me want to live



give



where I would never give before.



would never give of myself just take.



Love makes me ache.



I yearn for the touch.



Passions kiss



love making bliss.



My heart,life,soul forever his.

Locked in a cage

from an early age

My love or sorrow never to show

Unwilling to feel.

It was my safety against the world.

All my life still reaching,

knowing someone was out there.

I could feel him searching too

A dream.

Always getting closer

Never finding recognizing

blind to the signs.

Barely brushing,never touching.

Joining,forces at work we cannot comprehend.

You were searching too.

I love the sight

the open vein

blood trickle to the floor

like rain

No pain

No sorrow

Misery a memory

What does this life hold for me?

My one great longing

To leave the world behind.

To be erased

Never did I exist

By no one to be missed

Never leaving a mark or a trace.

No one to mourn me

Faceless

Nameless

I never was here

Leave behind all pain and fear

No loved ones missing the presence of the unloved

Death

Blackness

Abyss

what I miss

Souls travel endless

never seeing

never touching

not knowing another soul is close

passing the oaken door

one hundred times

one hundred more

again and again

Pain so great

One cannot feel

A gaping wound so slow to heal

poisoned and festering

green with infection.

Black spidervein

reaching for the fevered brain

images of monsters and death

The mad only going insane

I am dying.

It's true

As I breath,

As the seconds tick past.

I feel so alone.

Every minute that passes,

So precious.

Bringing me closer to the unknown.

The children play.

They are dying too.

It started the moment of conception.

We play,

Watch cartoons,

Argue.

Strive for the perfect pleasure.

Search for the perfect partner.

So much time wasted,

Sleeping.

Fighting.

Working.

Life becomes a struggle to pay bills.

Watch cable TV.

Everyone on the death march.

Side by side Alone.

So different in their paths.

In the end each result the same.

We die...

Why do we try?

The game is so futile

Live til you die

fry in the fire.

Death is lifes gift

the fortunate do not suffer.

feeling the torment of long life.

The loveless black hole.

give nothing in return

Endless suffering to the loyal servant of the living in life draws a long last breath.

Lets out a sigh of releif.

On the day death comes for me I will meet her gratefully.

Arms outstretched, I will do as she commands

Join with death in loves last dance.

Alone

People fighting like demons

Children killing children

Fire wages

war killing

Dying noone cares

no emotions

fear hate war

all the same

No names, faces always faces

haunting the endless dreamer

the innocent killed the innocent

The children of someones mother

Those called brother

not really friends

Chains bonds against freedom

Seeking release

An end to pain

In the early morning darkness the feeling of despair. of loss of life

Harmony, grace.

Holding helpless to grief innocence long gone. stolen. Grief so deep, an endless poisoned well,

Putrid in color and smell.

Digging deep seeking,

never to find the clarity.

I begin to write and at first I don’t know what will come but the truth. Bitter like cheese after lemons. A bad taste for sure but the truth. What is truth I ask myself as I stall not wanting to admit, afraid to release my secret. Afraid that someone will tell. Fear is acrid, toxic, poisonous. It chokes me.



I have told lies to protect the truth, lies to protect myself. It is so lonely and my isolation is of my own doing. It rips at me, threatens to rip out a heart long dead. From lack of use, leaves a sucking black hole. My hell.



I created this, I deserve my punishment. No tears, no grief, for a heart long withered. A decision made, a fateful blow. Sword through a soul, my heart made still. I am done for.



I have slain the treacherous tongue with secrets to tell. No more to fear I will be discovered , the liar, the thief of years. No tears to be shed this day for thee!



Heart and tongue buried togethor in a shallow grave in a hidden wood.



My secret forever safe.

Spiral downward into darkness, ever descending into the fire.



Not feeling the flames as they seek to consume me, not wanting to wait for that time to arrive.



Pain is real but only for those who can feel. I cannot.



Bliss in eternity’s kiss, cradled in deaths cold steely embrace.



My heart aches for what cannot be understood. It feels like a weight on my chest.



My breathe is stolen from my chest by an invisible hand, the pain grows. This I can feel.



Why has he come to see me? Will he leave without a kiss?



Will he leave without me?



Alone I sit and wait for the pain to stop. It is never ending. The pain of desolation,darkness, despair. A black eyed man with Raven hair.



Love



Pure endless stark. It waits for me at the end of despair.



Hopeless, endless. I will never see it.

Alone we begin, Harsh unforgiving light, air forcing itself upon us, forcing us to live.

The darkness a first memory, noises toys like giants, people jibbering like idiots, If they only knew who I am.

The first steps a child takes begin the journey from safety into the cold.

School is a nightmare endure the constant loneliness or endure the constant teasing, both just another form of torment.

To grow up knowing you are bad, evil.

What if someone sees the ebony, the oozing black infection within my soul.

Will they run or worship.

Will I casually rip the flesh from their bones, discard them when I’m finished.

Used up, Dry, a waste.

A succubus awaiting another victim sucking the life out of everything I touch until there is no more.

The lucky ones escape my grip and grateful begin their life anew, Reborn in the light until I see them again.

Do they remember me? how do they remember? The smile on a moonless night, the desolation that fills their hearts when they miss my icy touch.

The lucky ones escaped yet one remains trapped in the lair with his cage door open, curious is he afraid.

I think afraid but not of me.

Who am I to fear?

A demon HAH, not hardly.

I have a heart and a heart can bleed and fester and fill with pus to poison this deadly succubus.